Step by step by step
January 16, 2012
The phone rang…2:30 in the AM…March 11...3 years ago this coming Spring. My heart stopped. It had to bad news (or a prank call…oh, how I wished it had been a prank call). My Aunt Tuttie was on the phone. I immediately thought that she was going to give me some bad news about my father. It wasn’t about Dad, but the news was bad.
My youngest brother, Stuart Alexander, a police officer in Corpus Christie, was killed while on duty. At 12:30 that morning a 21 year old man, Daniel Lopez, fleeing the scene of a domestic violence call, used his vehicle as a weapon after Stu had placed road spikes across the highway.
Stuart’s division responded to a domestic violence call. When they entered the area, Daniel threw a 14 year old girl out of his vehicle. He proceeded to ram one of the police vehicles and then he peeled out, believing that the officers were seeking him because of his indiscretions with a minor. As a juvenile offender Daniel had a rap sheet – he had been in and out of trouble since he was 11 years old. And, at the time of the fatal incident, the young man was on probation…indecency with a child.
Stu suffered severe head trauma and he died as a result of his injuries on his way to the hospital. In an instant his life on this earth was over. In an instant Daniel’s life was forever changed. Almost 2 years ago now Daniel was tried. He was convicted. He sits on death row.
The life of Daniel’s family was changed in that moment. And, our lives have been changed. Stuart’s wife, Vicky, is a widow. His son is fatherless. His grandchildren are without their beloved Poppa. I am without my little brother.
Even though the pain and sorrow of grief are almost overwhelming at times, God calls me to extend forgiveness. Have I done so?
In Philemon that’s exactly what the Apostle Paul is calling his friend, Philemon to do. Onesimus, Philemon’s slave, had run away from his master. As we learned in our lesson, not only did he run away, but he very probably stole something of value on his way out. But, by the hand of God Onesimus found his way to Rome; he encountered the Apostle; he heard the message of good news; he believed in Jesus; and he was spending his time serving Paul while God’s man was under house arrest. Therefore, Paul urges Philemon, a leader of the Colossian church, to open his home and heart to the former slave just as he had opened his home and heart to the believers in Colossae. Paul confidently exhorts his co-laborer in Christ to first forgive and then as we’ll see in our lesson next week to go a step further and reconcile with Onesimus, the former slave/brother in Christ.
The letter to Philemon is the smallest of all the prison epistles. Even though it is the smallest, the 25 verses in this very personal correspondence of the Apostle is a beautiful picture of what God has done for us, His children. God has not only extended great forgiveness in His grace and mercy, but he has reconciled us to Himself…He has brought us from death to life. He has freed us from the slavery of sin. He has given us peace…once we were the enemy of God, but now we are the friend of God. We were far away, but have been brought near by the precious blood of Jesus Christ!
And, what God has done for us…He expects us to do for others:
Matthew 6:15, Matthew 18:21-35, Mark 11:25, Luke 6:36, Ephesians 4:32, and Colossians 3:13 all command us to forgive…not suggest…command.
Because God calls us to this standard, let’s talk about the process of forgiveness as we answer two questions: What is biblical forgiveness and how do we forgive those who have hurt us?
So, what is biblical forgiveness? Is it a conscious choice, a physical act involving the will, or is it a feeling, an emotional state of being?
Biblical forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive. It is a choice that can and should (eventually) result in a feeling of peace that brings a sense of contentment and security to our emotional state of being. REPEAT It is not forgetting what has been done, but it is releasing the offender of the debt of their sin.
Now that we know what forgiveness is…How do we forgive those who have hurt us? What are the steps in this process? (yep...the harder of the two questions)
First of all, we need to deepen our understanding of God’s forgiveness of us. God has astoundingly, absurdly forgiven us…totally! He has cast our sins into the depth of the sea to remember them no more. He has flung them as far as the east is from the west. His forgiveness is complete. It is final. It cannot be undone. He has lavished us in His unconditional love and Jesus’ love has cancelled our debt of sin…He’s released us from every single one of our vile offenses! The more we come to grasp the depth of our depravity and the completeness of our forgiveness, the more we will be prompted by the Spirit to humbly extend that same grace to others.
As we come to a deeper understanding, we also need to realize that forgiveness is risky. The offender may offend again…perhaps in the very same way. It is risky, but it is possible as we rely upon God. Nope! Can’t do it in our own strength. Our very nature wants to hold on in bitterness. We want to extract revenge. We want our offenders to hurt as much or more than we hurt. So, we must rely upon God and His nature in us to extend forgiveness.
Only as we rely upon God to forgive in and through us can we take the next step in the process and release the offender from his offense against you. As we pray cancel the debt. Express to God that you relinquish your perceived right to collect upon the debt…let go of any anger, any rage, bitterness, let go of the desire for revenge. Let go. Release, and allow God to do His business in that other person’s life. This is not our job…it is His. Lean in and let I go again and again if needed. Forgiveness is often a process. And, the deeper the hurt and the pain, the longer this process can take. It’s OK…keep leaning and releasing “seventy times seven” if needed.
In the process sometimes we need to actually verbally offer the offender forgiveness. Let them know that you are releasing them…let them know you are relinquishing your right to hang on. They may or may not accept your forgiveness. If that’s not an option (and it may not be), sometimes it’s helpful to visualize the process of forgiveness. Get a bunch of helium balloons and write out the offenses against you and take them outside and let them go. Jot down those crimes against you and burn the paper or tear it into shreds. Evaluate whether or not you need to do these things…God will let you know.
And, lastly for us today (even though this is not an exhaustive list) if repentance occurs (and it may not, but forgiveness does not depend upon this step)…if the offender is sorry for what they have done and wish to make it right…resume the relationship. Reconciliation is the step that goes further. This is what Paul asked Philemon to do for Onesimus…not just forgive, but reconcile, because this is what God has done for us!
So, have I forgiven Daniel? I’m in process. Step by step by step. God is faithfully transforming my heart. He is giving me freedom. He is bearing my pain. As I lean into Him, He leans into me and He’s replacing the anger, bitterness, rage, depression, and pain with His peace and comfort. God knows what He is doing. I don’t have to understand it. I don’t have to like it, but trust and obey for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey!
How about you? Is there a Daniel in your life? Corrie Ten Boom stated, “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” Regardless of the temperature of your heart...forgive and release the prisoner - YOU!
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